Sunday, 1 January 2012

Happy New Year! Some Entirely Non-Farcical Food Predictions for 2012

  1. Cupcake Voltron - The vast amount of cupcake stores taking over the entire universe Melbourne is food for icing-laden thought.
    I predict that in 2012 some Great Calamity, Very Much Like Godzilla Himself will threaten humankind.
    Then ALL the cupcakes in the Whole Freakin' World will join forces and make a huge, buttercream-icing-covered, red velvet/hummingbird/mocha-chocolate robot to Punch It In The Nuts and Save Humankind.  And you thought they were merely cute-ass baked goods... bah.
  2. The Hundred Dollar Meat Pie - In the U.S., the fad of ridiculously expensive burgers prevailed, despite (or because of?) the damn Global Financial Crisis.
    So like a giddy Julia Gillard following in the footsteps of a certain Mr Obama, we shall eagerly follow suit with the sublime, the ridiculous and wannabe 'prestige item' on every self-respecting bogan douchebag's list of must-haves - The Hundred Dollar Meat Pie.
    Naturally, it will be drowned in black truffles.  The beef will be Kobe and Wagyu.  There will be jamon iberica ham in it... somewhere.  And did I mention the foie gras?  Can't forget the bloody foie now, can we?  Just pan-sear and slap it on top.  Oh, and don't forget the gold leaf.  There ya go.
    You'll know you've done it correctly if you end up with something that looks like a footballer's girlfriend on Brownlow night.
  3. Kinect Knife Skillz: A Game By Xbox 360 - Watch the screen, watch the knife, try to beat Gordon, watch the screen, watch the knife, beating Nigella, try to beat Jamie, ohmigawd what have you done to your hand?!?!?!
  4. Camera Ninjas In Restaurants - Okay, if you're a food blogger, chances are you've been politely asked to put that camera away at certain restaurants.
    However, with the terrifying rise of the creature known as The Food Blogger comes a cost - a "no camera policy".
    I predict that some restaurants will employ professional sneak-sneak-kerpow-type ninjas to totally nunchuk that Canon SLR right outta your hands.
    Because restauranters run our lives now, as evidenced by my next prediction...
  5. You Give Me Food, Now You TELL ME HOW TO LIVE?!?!?!  This is already happening.  Sure,  I can take lifestyle advice from, say, my doctor.  Or some of my healthier friends.  Even nagging aunts.  I freakin' love my nagging aunt and will throat-punch anyone who says a single bad thing about the woman.
    But from the guys at Joe Beef?  W? T? F?  Yes, I would eat there, gladly and well.  Yes, the shellfish-served-on-a-Bakelite-radio thing is cute (not 'art'. Just cute. As in 'cupcake').
    However, these fat, overbearing, drunken and belligerent lads do not get to inform me on 'The Art Of Living'.  Especially when one of them looks like unless he's on Lipitor, he's gonna have a  heart attack while bearing down on the porcelain throne at age 65.
    Hell, even the divinely meddlesome Jamie Oliver still knows he's just a guy that cooks.

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