The Best Meal In The Year Of The Dragon

The title of this post sounds premature, I know.  In this vast city of restaurants, cafes and yes, even food trucks, the 'best meal' is always something to be chased, hunted and consumed.

But this 'best meal' wasn't about the food.  It was about seeing my Dad again for the first time in many, many years. 

We had a huge, terrifying falling out around 2006.  I'll skip over the details - messy and complicated, the past isn't worth picking over.  Let's just say that he was the most traditional of Chinese fathers and I was the most un-filial of Chinese daughters.  When Mum passed away in 1992, there was no middlewoman to deal with the unruliness and mess that comes with having with kids, no filter between him and the rebellious, confusing child. 

So to be sitting down at lunch and sharing a meal with him and my brother last Saturday was mind-blowing.  It was the most awkward, confusing, amazing, mysterious and unexpected thing I could comprehend.

I received my lunch invitation via my brother Andy - he said that he and my father were thinking of going to lunch to celebrate the Lunar New Year, and would I like to come? 
Stunned, I asked, "Is that okay with Dad?"
Andy replied, "It was his idea."

And so it went.

I have a theory, but no actual evidence as to why my father wanted to resume contact.  He didn't tell me why this most astounding of meals came to be.  He is Not A Talker.  He came from an age when Men Did Not Have Feelings.  One of the first international students to study in Australia under the Colombo Plan, he was terrifyingly ambitious and determined in a steely, set-jawed, Gordon Gecko kind of way.  He owned an engineering firm.  He bought not one, but two Porches.  He paid for overseas holidays, built his own computers and ordered his shoes from Bally.  He was (still is) a Doer, not a Talker. 
He is, after all, a Metal Dragon.

Maybe he thought it would be nice to have the family together again, in this year, his celestial animal year.  Maybe.

I'll never know - but that's okay.  That's more than okay.  It was just wonderful to be sharing a meal with Dad again.

Happy Lunar New Year, everyone!  May 2012 bring you a few extra dollars and whole lotta love.

I Believe The Term You're Looking For Is 'Amazeballs'

Yeah, this is a post about soup.

A sweet soup.  Made of beans.  Red adzuki beans.  It's one of those 'weird Asian desserts'.  

But you know what?

It's tasty as hell.  Easy to make.  Even *gasp* good for you.  And contains one sacrilegious, gosh-darn-crazee ingredient guaranteed to make generation of Chinese grandmothers roll in their graves.  As well as an optional extra which doubles as a sticky yet-oh-so-right choking hazard.

So now that you've got the emergency room number on speed-dial, let us foray, explore, plunder.

The Worst Thing You Could Possibly Be

New Year's Day.  A bunch of overfed, weak-willed slobs, dying in the heat, watching cartoons.  The Vietnamese Chef has kindly made us a standout feed of fennel and watercress salad with mustard dressing, as well as oven-braised pork ribs that are to die for.

Miss Siv can't eat pork, as it doesn't agree with her.  Besides, it's nearly 38 degrees outside and she's pregnant.  She slumps on the couch, stabs idly at her phone and munches on some chicken tenders.

"Aren't you having any pork?" asks her boyfriend, Mr Heath.

She shakes her head.

His eyes grow wide, then he yells, "What, are you The Enemy of Delicious or something?!"
Falling off the couch, he goes back for seconds, muttering incredulously.

We laugh.

Damn, it's hot.

Happy New Year! Some Entirely Non-Farcical Food Predictions for 2012

1. Cupcake Voltron - The vast amount of cupcake stores taking over the entire universe Melbourne is food for icing-laden thought.
   I predict that in 2012 some Great Calamity, Very Much Like Godzilla Himself will threaten humankind.
   Then ALL the cupcakes in the Whole Freakin' World will join forces and make a huge, buttercream-icing-covered, red velvet/hummingbird/mocha-chocolate robot to Punch It In The Nuts and Save Humankind.  And you thought they were merely cute-ass baked goods... bah.
2. The Hundred Dollar Meat Pie - In the U.S., the fad of ridiculously expensive burgers prevailed, despite (or because of?) the damn Global Financial Crisis.
   So like a giddy Julia Gillard following in the footsteps of a certain Mr Obama, we shall eagerly follow suit with the sublime, the ridiculous and wannabe 'prestige item' on every self-respecting bogan douchebag's list of must-haves - The Hundred Dollar Meat Pie.
   Naturally, it will be drowned in black truffles.  The beef will be Kobe and Wagyu.  There will be jamon iberica ham in it... somewhere.  And did I mention the foie gras?  Can't forget the bloody foie now, can we?  Just pan-sear and slap it on top.  Oh, and don't forget the gold leaf.  There ya go.
   You'll know you've done it correctly if you end up with something that looks like a footballer's girlfriend on Brownlow night.
3. Kinect Knife Skillz: A Game By Xbox 360 - Watch the screen, watch the knife, try to beat Gordon, watch the screen, watch the knife, beating Nigella, try to beat Jamie, ohmigawd what have you done to your hand?!?!?!
4. Camera Ninjas In Restaurants - Okay, if you're a food blogger, chances are you've been politely asked to put that camera away at certain restaurants.
   However, with the terrifying rise of the creature known as The Food Blogger comes a cost - a "no camera policy".
   I predict that some restaurants will employ professional sneak-sneak-kerpow-type ninjas to totally nunchuk that Canon SLR right outta your hands.
   Because restauranters run our lives now, as evidenced by my next prediction...
5. You Give Me Food, Now You TELL ME HOW TO LIVE?!?!?!  This is already happening.  Sure,  I can take lifestyle advice from, say, my doctor.  Or some of my healthier friends.  Even nagging aunts.  I freakin' love my nagging aunt and will throat-punch anyone who says a single bad thing about the woman.
   But from the guys at Joe Beef?  W? T? F?  Yes, I would eat there, gladly and well.  Yes, the shellfish-served-on-a-Bakelite-radio thing is cute (not 'art'. Just cute. As in 'cupcake').
   However, these fat, overbearing, drunken and belligerent lads do not get to inform me on 'The Art Of Living'.  Especially when one of them looks like unless he's on Lipitor, he's gonna have a  heart attack while bearing down on the porcelain throne at age 65.
   Hell, even the divinely meddlesome Jamie Oliver still knows he's just a guy that cooks.

Oh, So That's How It's Done

How to eat your Apple from Erick Oh on Vimeo.

Top 5 Most Excellent Food-Related Thingamajigs This Christmas

1. Not Cooking - The Boyfriend and I went to a local bistro that our friend Miss Narn works at for a traditional Christmas lunch.  So we got the usual turkey, ham, prawns, oysters, plum pudding, etc, but didn't have to lift a finger.  Except to get more food from the buffet.
2. TARDIS Cookie Jar - A present from The Boyfriend.  So now every time I take a cookie, it sounds like a Timelord is about to touch down.  Complete with flashing lights!
3. Korean Barbecue At Home - Korean barbecue has got to be the easiest dinner party set-up ever.  Get your meat, preferably 2 types.  Beef rib and bacon-cut (bacon cut, not actual bacon!) pork work well.  Marinade the beef for a few hours.
   Chop a head of lettuce into quarters, removing the white core.  Slice up about 5 cloves of garlic (I suggest 5 because garlic rocks, but you could get away with 3) into fine slivers.  Grab a tub of big ol' tub of kimchi - kimchi in Melbourne is readily available at Asian grocers in two sizes - big or bigger.  Take your pick.
   Cook some rice (in a rice cooker because it's easier that way, that's how we mysterious Orientals make rice), we made enough for 4-6 people.
   Lastly, prep two dipping sauces - the first is just salt and sesame oil in a 1:5 ratio, the second being my easy lazy version of ssam jang using white miso paste and ready-made ssam jang past in a 1:3 ratio.
   Then, take all of the above items and put in on your dining table.  Get some manly man-guest to grill the meat at table; the very same manly man can even snip it into bite-sized bits with kitchen shears just like they do in restaurants.  You can also place some garlic slivers on the grill, or heck, eat 'em raw if you'd like.  The meat can be eaten however you want - with rice and kimchi, or wrapped in lettuce along with the garlic slivers or whatnot, ssam style.
   I know my explanation of Korean barbecue awesomeness is rudimentary at best, but this ain't a post specifically about Korean barbecue.  If you'd like to know more, this is useful.  So is this.
4. Other People's Husbands - No, not like that, you filthy buffoon! *SLAP* Let me explain.  Miss Narn got married this year, to a sweet and gentle Vietnamese lad who is a chef.  His English still needs work, but damn the boy can cook.  So when he and Miss Narn came over on Christmas night, he brought over *drum roll* black sticky rice with coconut yoghurt and toasted coconut.  As well as fresh sardine fillets.  All of which made me like this:
   
   
   They are SO not allowed to get divorced.  Ever.
5. Eating With Friends - It was great to have a few friends over and eat a very non-traditional, no-pressure meal with them.  Miss Narn was tired from working all day, and our friends Siv and Heath had just come back from their big family Christmas in the country.  So to have them all around our table, casually knocking back a few beers whilst The Boyfriend and Vietnamese Chef Lad grilled the meat was really, really nice.  Sure, kimchi and marinated beef isn't Christmassy, per se, but I think the good feeling of hanging out with great friends is.  

After a terrible 2011, Christmas turned out a lot nicer than I expected.
Sure, we didn't plan anything big, but we got to eat good food in excellent company - and for that I am grateful.

Warning: Contains Dairy, Eggs, Booze and Christmas

Christmas.  Pass the booze, please.  Oh, and make it sublime, delicious and reminiscent of various holiday-endorsed sentiment such as 'good cheer', 'fun with friends and family' and 'goodwill to all'.

Yes, it's a lot to demand from a drink.  However, there is one contender that covers all bases.  It's appearance is pale and angelic. It's cold-creamy-sweet and packs enough punch so you'll be comfortably sozzled when making awkward conversation with relations you only see once a year whilst carving a large bird and wearing a daft hat.  If a drink could be deemed 'beatific', this would be it.  

Eggnog.  It is tasty and it is your friend.

"But madam", you cry, "isn't it fiddly and hard to make?  Doesn't it contain raw eggs which makes it mad, bad and dangerous to know for the pregnant, elderly and children?"

No, it's not fiddly and difficult, you lazy oaf.  It's actually frighteningly easy.  And yes, it does contain raw eggs.  But bugger it, you know what... I'm going to stand up for the noble egg right here and now.  Eggs are great.  Eggs are grand, in fact.  And I like them raw.  Not raw in bloody everything, of course.  Raw like this, this and this.  And not just any egg.  Get good eggs, from happy hens.  If you truly give a damn about eggs, you'll make sure of this.  You'll buy the more expensive free-range eggs from the supermarket.  You'll talk to the eggs-and-honey folks at your local market.  And if you don't care about eggs... well, you don't deserve Eggnog.  Eggnog DENIED.    

If you fall under the pregnant/elderly/child category - this drink is pretty darn boozy, so it's unlikely you'd be allowed to drink it anyway.  It's illegal if you're under aged.  Booze is a no-no when up the duff.  And if you're old/unwell enough that you take medications which alcohol may interfere with, it's no-touchy-touchy for you either.

So now that we've got the fun police part out of the way...

Mr Boston-ish Rum & Brandy Eggnogg

A Christmas morning drink which will see you through the entire day.  How else does one cope with the various vagabonds and miscreant visitors, heaping piles of foodstuffs and peculiarly ribald activity?

• 6 Eggs
• 1 cup sugar (I used castor sugar)
• 1/2 cup spiced rum (Captain Morgan is a friend of mine)
• 1/2 cup brandy
• 1 pint cream (the original recipe calls for 'half-and-half', i just used regular cream)
• 1 pint milk

You'll need a large jug (such as a big ol' beer jug) and a stick mixer.  Seperate eggs.  The whites go into the jug and get whipped to buggery first by the stick mixer.  Plunge the stick mixer in back and forth like you're indicating something rude - that gets more air in.  Obscene gestures equal added fluffiness in the final result, just accept it and SHUSH!  Now add the rest of the ingredients.  Refrigerate for at least 3 hours.  Garnish with nutmeg.  Serve.

Repeat the entire process if necessary.  If the company is exceptionally tiresome OR if Christmas = one massive pissup, make alot.  It's not a drink - it's an entire holiday strategy.